Exhaustion after Miscarriage

I have been so very tired the past few days. Beyond tired. 'Trying to keep your eyes open' tired. I searched online to see if it was related to my miscarriage and, yes, it is normal to feel this tired for up to six weeks. How is it okay for a doctor's office to not provide any information at all after they have been following someone's pregnancy and it is lost?

Lacking Information after a Miscarriage

Still spotting, but there don't seem to be any more symptoms. I have been feeling very strong, but once in a while it brings tears to my eyes. My brother reminded me that it's great to be strong, but you still need to go through the sadness. It's true... holding things in and keeping them to yourself is unhealthy, so I let the tears slip out.

I am with my soulmate and my life has so many blessings. Some people never have that.

Something that I was thinking about after all of this ...

The morning after I miscarried, I called my doctor's office to let them know about my miscarriage, cancel my prenatal appointment on Valentine's Day, and to see if I should still go for the second part of the 48hr blood test. I knew it was likely unnecessary, but just wanted to be prudent. 

The receptionist checked with the NP and then let me know it would not be necessary, and then that was it. I was talking with my friend and I mentioned how empty and unsure it all feels. I had no idea how long I would bleed and cramp, no idea what to expect. I just think it would be more compassionate care if they offered to email me a little information letter, or something, with things that I had to go and find on the internet, i.e.  it's normal to bleed and cramp 3 days to 3 weeks, and consult a doctor after that; do not use tampons as it makes you susceptible to infection; refrain from sex while you heal; you can try to get pregnant again after your first period, or wait for 2 to 3 full cycles for optimum health. Well, at least anyone here now knows these things.

One Week on From my Miscarriage

Today, the bleeding has almost stopped. It is day two with little to no pain. Thank God. I cannot imagine that some women have a week or two more of this ahead of them. 

The hormones seem to be almost back to normal, as I have been a little less emotional, however, stress is up right now. I am trying to heal, but there is a manipulative person in my life stirring it up. The challenge is to not engage, which I have found very hard – manipulative people are cunning, their 'moves' go unseen, and they often play the innocent victim. I find I am a mother bear for my family, especially now! 

Never mind. I have found my happiness, and nothing can take that away.

I am the luckiest.

Flowers from my mother

Beautiful flowers from my lovely mother. They smell so nice!

Five days on ...

Today is the first day with almost no pain; just a residual ache. Still bleeding a little, though minimally. I am actually feeling pretty good mentally, though occasionally tears sneak up on me.

Life goes on, and a good life it is.

People are kind.

On Saturday, we went and chose a little charm for my Pandora bracelet to commemorate my pregnancy. I felt I wanted to have something tangible as this is a part of our story. It felt odd just flushing it down the toilet like a dead goldfish, but it would also be odd to do much else with it, I suppose. This seemed like a nice, meaningful moment and a way to commemorate. M chose the charm in the end. I wanted something very symbolic, and he came up with a lovely idea - nothing too cliche. Two friends were working at the jewellery store that day, so it was just a nice experience overall.

Post-miscarriage

I am still bleeding and cramping. I am surprised by how much pain and blood there still is. 

And moments hit unexpectedly. Like when you see a woman with a newborn at the grocery store. Or when you feel your abdomen still swollen.

I am glad to have been given today off work as well. Yesterday I was not able to process as I was preparing my master's assignment from 10am to 11:45pm. Today, M and I got to talk and cuddle and share some feelings about it all. And then nap. That's what we both needed.

I just can't imagine the pain of a miscarriage after the first trimester.

Miscarriage at 7 weeks

Well, last night I had a miscarriage.

As close as I could determine from my dates, I was at least 7 or maybe 8 weeks, but it seems the pregnancy had stopped a little before that. I was experiencing more and more bleeding, so I knew that – I felt that – it was gone the day before.

Last night the cramping started and it got more and more intense. I was on the phone with my sister and was just telling her that I had to go because the pain was making it hard to concentrate on our conversation. Just as I was saying goodbye, I felt something drop. I ran to the washroom and yelled for M. It was a little amniotic sack. You could see a clump of cells inside, but there was no obvious fetus shape (this is why I think it stopped growing before now, as it was small for 7-8 weeks). It was pretty traumatic to have it there in front of us, and my heart broke a little.

The pain and cramping continued into the evening with a headache added in. M has been very loving and supportive, but what sadness has set in. I am off work today and tomorrow. Just a little time to reset. Though university coursework goes on.

I know I will be okay. I am very strong. Back to plan A. My heart goes out to the women who go through this in their second and third trimester. I cannot imagine!

Gone

More bleeding this morning, and I feel the pregnancy gone.

It has reopened doors I had gently closed, and I am left feeling sadness.

I will go for my bloodwork tomorrow, but I know.

Inconclusive Ultrasound - what does that mean?!

Well, so much for feeling more at peace. I feel worse!

I went for my ultrasound at 11am, full of 2 1/2 litres of water - quite uncomfortable - thinking that I would be told or shown something to ease my mind after all the spotting. The technician told me we would have to do a vaginal ultrasound as, sometimes with early stage pregnancies, it is hard to get an image with the external. Good times. 

Anyway, turns out the technician cannot tell you anything anyway, and the doctor was too busy to see me. I was told to call my doctor in the afternoon for results. What a lonely, sad experience!

I went for bloodwork after that, then went to work. I called my NP in the afternoon, and she did call me back promptly. She informed me that the results were inconclusive. I told her I did not know what that would indicate - miscarriage? She told me that I am either not far along enough to see a baby or, yes, I may have miscarried. So sad. 

Tonight, as I wipe away more blood, I cannot help but feel that it is over.

More bloodwork Thursday to compare to today's blood results, and that will tell them more. Apparently I am high in some chemical/hormone or other which is good, but it doesn't feel very encouraging. Let's see on Friday.

Spotting: Squeezed in With the Nurse Practitioner

The spotting has been making me feel even more anxious than I already was, so I decided to call my doctor's office and see if they could see me before the 14th. I told them what was going on and they were able to see me today! What a relief. 

They checked me for ectopic pregnancy, which it does not appear to be, and then they called me in for an ultrasound tomorrow morning to double-check that and to establish heartbeat. I was told to take 5mg of folic acid (folate), so that's 4 pills on top of the 1mg I already get in the pre-natal vitamins. It seems like a lot, but I have already researched it a little to see if there is any side effect. Doesn't seem to be.

Ironically, the examination has made me bleed a little more tonight, and apparently that's normal also. Tomorrow will be great. I will feel reassured with an ultrasound. Then I still have my Valentine's Day appointment.

Pregnancy Symptoms and Miscarriage Statistics

With M, I had almost no symptoms: 

No nausea, no sore boobs, no cramps, nothing. I think I remember having heartburn one night.

This time? Everything except morning sickness! 

Sore boobs, cramping, spotting, headaches, fatigue, food revulsion, peeing a lot, emotions all over the place. Ugh! The most alarming is the spotting. I have read several places that a little light spotting is normal but, given the high risk nature of my pregnancy due to being 45, I find it frightening. I still have nine days until I see the doctor and then will have to wait for my ultrasound after that. That's a lot of stress. 

There are many websites with all kinds of statistics, but I found a website that, as a MSc student, I appreciate. The statistics here are evaluated a little more scientifically with contemporary numbers, some of which exclude stats from IVF which can skew the accuracy for natural conception instances. On the net, I read that my chances of miscarriage are 60% before 7 weeks, which is so high. Apparently this is due to the high level of chromosomal anomalies at my age. This website is more specific and, to summarize, around 4-5 weeks pregnant the risk is around 35% after 40. After 7-10 weeks (and the ultrasound confirming fetal heartbeat), the risk drops to 10.8%, which is much more encouraging. I am 7 weeks tomorrow.

https://expectingscience.com

Spotting again this morning had me very emotional, and face to face with the idea of loss. I know with the statistics against me that I cannot count on this pregnancy giving us a child until the ultrasound and passing the first trimester. Even then there is risk, but I will be able to relax a little more than I am now. I was at peace with the idea of just having one child as I slowly let go of the idea it could happen for me. Now, however, I realize how much I want this. The reviving of my dream that this could happen for me is going to see me with a lot of joy, or a lot of sadness; but either way, I am glad that a life has been created with my soulmate, however briefly. I see it as a gift.

Nervous to Break the News

Telling M made me feel nervous. I wasn't sure how he would feel. I couldn't tell him Sunday evening after I took the test, as we had a little family drama. I didn't want to tell him in the morning before going to work, for obvious reasons. I told him Monday evening, and I kind of just blurted it out, "Babe, I'm pregnant."

We have both said before how it is a shame that we didn't meet sooner so that we could have a child together. Especially when you are so much in love. We agreed that we are probably too old, and can now enjoy our boys and plan some adventures for 5 years' time.

Even so, his reaction was sweet. He looked at me and smiled, and then asked me how I felt about it. I should have known, the sweet man that he is. Anyway, since then we have both been thinking everything through. The practical side considers finance, travel and career. The emotional side starts to feel blessed.

We have decided that nature will take its course and we will accept it.

We will have a good life either way, as life has let us find each other.

Pregnant at 45

Well, I knew I was either pregnant or heading into early menopause. It's funny... two weeks ago I told my colleague that I was so tired I could almost put my head down on my desk and have a sleep right there. The next day I did leave work a little early due to exhaustion. And one evening last weekend, I ended up being a bit tearful as I "just didn't feel right". I thought it was just from being a little under the weather, headache, allergies acting up, and stress from school. Then Saturday it occurred to me that my last period was before Christmas, and the arrival of family on the 24th. I don't remember when, exactly.

On Sunday, while picking a few things up at the drug store, I grabbed a pregnancy test. Wow. Positive.

So, the past three days I have been processing... and processing. 

At my age, the chances of getting pregnant are 2%. Now that I am pregnant, the chance of a miscarriage is 60%. That is high! I had no idea. I am remaining calm as, with this statistic, it may be a short-lived experience. I accept that. I had slowly adjusted to the idea of just having our two lovely boys (both 15 years now) and of heading out on some beautiful world adventures as a couple once they are off to university. So, life is very good either way. 

My first appointment is on Valentine's Day, which I took as a sweet sign.
Once I hit 7 weeks, the statistics really drop down in my favour, and then way down to 10.8% at 12 weeks. 

All I can do is remain calm and slightly detached (if possible!), and realistic to the possibility that this might be a little glimpse of something that might not be meant for us, after all.
But I hope so.